got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
