I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
