At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
