u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
