today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
