You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
