my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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