The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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