easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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