Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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