They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
