why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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