Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
