I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
