Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
