tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
