What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Congratulations! We have a period
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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