Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize