Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
