hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
