You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
