Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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