My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
