I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i out mim tonsoeep
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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