i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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