Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
