Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
