I can text with my tongue
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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