Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
