Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
