textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
