I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
