Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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