M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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