You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
