He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
