I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
