hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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