TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
