First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
