I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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