Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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