My first STD was from a foam party
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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