She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
