Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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