Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
