im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
