go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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