He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
