If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
