can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
