Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
