is your mom at the bar?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
