I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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