I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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