Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
