I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so let's talk penis.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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