We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
