I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
