I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
