You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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