DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
