i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
