it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
