I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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