You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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