I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
