I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
