Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
